


Exhaustion

by heartheldhostage



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2015-07-02
Packaged: 2018-04-07 05:57:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4251972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartheldhostage/pseuds/heartheldhostage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes it's exhausting to learn things about yourself. Sometimes it's worse to explain those things to your friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Exhaustion

“Tell me the truth, man, are you feeling better?” Jensen asked without bothering to hide the concern in his voice. He heard Jared take a deep breath over the phone line.

“Yeah, I am. I'm not back to a hundred percent, but I'm getting there. Thanks again for covering those cons for me.”

“You know I've got your back. Have since we met and always will.”

“If I didn't already know that, I think I would have figured it out with you pushing all my scenes to the end of the schedule so I can have a couple more days to rest. You didn't have to do that, you know. I'm coming on up anyway to get back in the saddle, so to speak.”

“It's a good thing we don't prank each other much anymore because that statement would have me arranging a horse instead of a driver for your first day back if you were anyone else,” Jensen laughed.

Jared laughed, too, “You're such a closet romantic, Shackles.”

“Hmph! Closet romantic, my ass,” Jensen laughed again. “You can take those extra days, Jared. I really don't mind. That's exactly why I freed them up for you.”

“Oh. I'll gladly take them. I'll just take them in Vancouver instead of Austin,” Jared said quickly.

“Why do you want to rush back, Jay? No one will begrudge you the extra time. Everyone wants you healthy and happy.”

Jared hesitated. He would never admit the truth to anyone else. However, Jensen wasn't just anyone else. “Is it wrong that Vancouver almost feels more like home than Austin does? I mean,” he rushed on, “it feels more comfortable. I can honestly be myself there without feeling like anyone is judging me.” He waited for Jensen to tell him how silly or dumb that sounded.

“If it is then you're not the only one who's wrong. I feel the same way. Dani expects me to be the doting husband when we're together. JJ expects daddy to always feel like playing with her. Sometimes I just want to be able to stare at a mindless TV show doing nothing but drinking a beer or a glass of wine, you know? Like we used to do when we lived together and had a day off. You're the only one who's never expected me to be someone I don't feel like being.”

“No one else I know would understand that. Somehow I knew you would,” Jared said softly.

“Well, according to the internet, you and I are as much soul mates as Sam and Dean. Maybe that's why we get each other so easily.”

Jared nearly choked on his beer. He laughed softly and quickly changed the subject, “Hey, Shackles? We've got a real asshole of a director our first episode back. Do you think it might earn me some points with the prick if I invite him to dinner when I get there?” Jared snickered.

“I don't know, Jay. The fucker's a real douche, but I guess it couldn't hurt any to try. Give him a call when you get settled,” Jensen laughed.

Jared grinned. “I'll see you soon, Jensen.”

 

Jared and Jensen were settled on the back porch with a bottle of wine after a wonderful dinner that Jared had cooked for them.

“I think you actually did earn a few points with your dick director,” Jensen smiled and patted his stomach.

“Yeah, may not last long,” Jared sighed.

“Don't tell me you're going to make me do the dishes,” Jensen said.

Jared was silent for a moment, long enough for Jensen to turn in his chair and face his friend.

“We need to talk, Jensen.”

“Okay,” Jensen nodded.

“This is going to be my last season,” he held up his hand for Jensen to let him finish. “I know you want to keep going and I want you to. Yeah, it's about Sam and Dean, but they can always de-age Sam and bring Colin in to play him or, hell, they can come up with something to keep Sam around without me.

“It would thrill fans that push for Destiel, and I know you won't agree to that with me around because you think a bisexual storyline would make me uncomfortable. It probably would, but not for the reasons you think.” They had been best friends for over a decade and Jared knew Jensen better than anyone except maybe Donna Ackles. Still, he couldn't read Jensen's expression at that moment, and it had nothing to do with poor lighting. Jared had never seen that look on Jensen's face before.

Jared continued, “There's so much in my head right now that I can't give the show and the character everything like I used to. I just can't keep myself in the right frame of mind. You saw it last season, and so did the fans. I won't hurt the show that way. Hell, screw the show, I won't hurt you that way.

“I wanted to tell you first. I'm calling Jeremy on Monday to give him time to find a solution everyone can deal with.”

Jensen's expression didn't change as he said, “Jared, you are Sam Winchester. I will not do this show without you. If you want eleven to be the end, then eleven will be the end. We go out together. We said that from the beginning, and that's the way it still is.

“As for Destiel, you should know me well enough to know that there's no way in hell I will ever agree to that crap with you on the show or not. No matter what my personal past is, Dean Winchester is straight and has no interest in Castiel.

“You know you can always talk to me about whatever is rattling around in that too-smart head of yours. We've always been able to tell each other anything. That is still true. Whatever, whenever, I'm here for you.”

Jared had dropped his head to stare at his wine glass. He couldn't conceal the pain in his eyes at Jensen's assurance that he would leave the show, too. He glanced up from under his lashes as he said, “Things have changed in the decade we've been on this show, Jensen. You love it. Hell, you damn near live for it. I know you don't want to leave it, and I don't want you to leave it just because of me.”

“Damn idiot! Don't you realize you're the main reason I live for this show? Who the hell is blessed to do a job he loves right along side his best friend? Working on this show without you beside me would be just another job. In fact, it would be worse than just another job because I'd be flooded with memories of working with you no matter where I looked. No, if you're done, we're done. That's that.”

“Jensen, don't,” Jared started to say.

“Nope. I mean it, Jay. I won't keep working on this show without you around.” He let out a bit of a smirk and said, “I'm not sure if I should be more upset that you think I'd stick around here without you or that you actually think I'd want to act a relationship with a character played by Misha.”

That had the desired effect and got a small smile from Jared. “Well, I kind of doubted that you wanted it, but I'm certain Misha would love it.”

Jensen groaned. “If I had my way, Misha Collins would be lost in the desert for years.”

Jared laughed, “He's not that bad.”

“He's not pushing a ship involving you that actually makes your skin crawl.” Jensen shuddered. “I've lost count of how many times I've reminded him that I know how to get rid of a body.

“Come on, Jay, tell me what's really going on here.”

“I wish I could, Jensen. I really wish I could.”

“Then at least tell me why you can't talk to me about it. You know I'd never judge you or hate you for anything you tell me.”

“You would this.”

“Try me.”

“Jensen.”

“I'm serious. Try me. We have the strongest friendship I've ever had or even seen others have. Why would you think you can't talk to me about anything that's bothering you?”

Jared was back to staring at his wine glass. “I don't love her,” he mumbled.

“Who?” Jensen asked.

“Genevieve. Well, I do love her, but I'm not in love with her. I never was. I married her knowing my heart would always belong to someone else.”

“You're not the first man to marry in hopes that love would come later.”

“I knew it would never come. I knew my heart belonged to someone else and always would, but I married her anyway. So what kind of man does that make me? What happens if my sons ever find out that while they were conceived daddy had his eyes closed pretending mommy was someone else?” he swallowed the rest of the wine in his glass and poured more, mostly as a way to avoid Jensen's eyes and the disgust he was certain he would see there.

“Your sons adore you, and unless you tell them, I'm pretty sure they'll never know what you just told me. I doubt you have to worry about that.

“I'm sorry, Jay. I had a feeling you rushed into a relationship with Gen too soon after Sandy. I should have said something. I was afraid you'd rush back to Sandy and things would be worse for you,” Jensen said softly.

Jared stared at Jensen. “You think Sandy's the one...I can't. I can't talk about this. I know you deserve an explanation, and I will give it to you after the season ends. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can look you in the eye for an entire season and see the disappointment and hate you'll feel toward me.” He got up and went inside.

Jensen followed him. They fell into a familiar rhythm cleaning the kitchen together. Once the cleaning was done Jensen said, “I can understand how you feel about dreading a full season of discomfort. What I don't understand is how you could possibly think I would hate you.” Jensen turned Jared toward him. He looked Jared in the eye and said, “I could never hate you, Jared.” With that and a friendly slap to the shoulder Jensen turned toward the door to leave.

“It's you,” Jared said as Jensen reached for the door handle. “I could never fall in love with Gen because I'm in love with you.”

Jensen turned back around wearing a stunned expression. “You're in love with me and married her anyway? Married her without even telling me you love me?”

“I married her knowing I would never be in love with her. I married her in denial that I was in love with you. I hadn't even admitted it to myself. You thought I came home because of exhaustion. Hmph! Exhaustion was me finally admitting to myself why I'd rather be with you than with my wife. Exhaustion was me realizing it was you I dreamed of kissing when I was kissing her. Exhaustion was me running away from facing you knowing you would hate me for all of this. Exhaustion was me knowing I had to tell you sooner or later and that our friendship would be over. I'm so sorry, Jensen,” Jared dropped his head again as he fought to keep tears from falling from his eyes.

Jensen had stepped closer to Jared as the man talked. He gently lifted Jared's chin and said, “Jared, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. Do you know why?”

Jared shook his head.

“I could never hate you because I'm in love with you, too. Have been since before you got engaged to Sandy,” Jensen said with a small smile on his face that was almost exactly like Dean's just before hellhounds ripped him apart.

It was Jared's turn to be stunned. “Why didn't you say anything? You married Danneel.”

Jensen softly said, “You were in love with Sandy. Then before I knew it, you were dating Gen. I didn't want to make things awkward between us, and I wanted you to be happy even if it wasn't with me. I thought you were happy, Jay. I thought you were happy so I married Danneel.”

“I thought I was happy, too. I am happy when we're working. I'm happy when it's just us at cons. I'm happy when we're playing with our kids. I'm just not happy pretending to be in love with my wife.”

“So what do you want to happen now? Do you want to stick with your plan and end the show so you can focus on Gen and the boys?”

“No way I want to leave the show now. I'll stay if it runs for another eleven seasons,” Jared smiled. “I just want to be with you. I mean, if that's what you want.”

“There are so many options. Whatever we do now is up to you. There are people who will flip completely out if we divorce our wives and announce that we love each other. There are people who would cheer us all the way. Hell, half our fans think we're already a couple hiding behind our wives,” Jensen said as he chanced sliding his arms around Jared.

Jared pulled Jensen closer. “I don't care what anyone knows or thinks as long as we're together.”

“Neither do I,” Jensen said into Jared's lips just before he kissed him.


End file.
